I OWN you.

Got your attention? Now that you're here, allow me to provide a mini lesson on appropriately placing our compadre, the apostrophe.

As you might already know, the apostrophe serves two primary functions: 

1. Creating a contraction such as don't, shouldn't, couldn't, and wouldn't. In these instances, the apostrophe is a place marker for the letter that you removed.

2. Showing possession. 

Today's focus will be on possession 

(hence the title of the blog post). 

Place the apostrophe AFTER the S if...

• Your noun ends in S
• Let's say you know a man by the last name of Jones (first name Indiana). If you wish to talk about something belonging to Indiana Jones, put the apostrophe after the S that's already in his last name.
• Example: Indiana Jones' backyard was filled with so much dog poop that the entire street smelled like a kennel. 
• Your noun is plural, so it already ends in S. 
• Let's say I wanted to talk about a GROUP of kids and their fruit-snack-eating ways.  
• Example: The kids' teeth were rotten because they ate too many fruit snacks. (This scenario would never happen because fruit snacks are life.) 

Place the apostrophe BEFORE the S if...

• Your noun ends in S
• Since the English language is confusing and weird, some people like to say, "The Jones's backyard was filled with so much dog poop that the entire street smelled like a kennel." Personally, I prefer an apostrophe after one S, not an apostrophe wedged between two of them. Just know that some people disagree with me; however, either method is (technically) correct. 
• Your noun is singular
• Example: Angelina Jolie's leg looked pretty ridiculous constantly protruding from the slit in her dress.  
• Example: That kid's teeth were rotten because he ate too many fruit snacks. (I'm talking about just ONE kid, so the apostrophe comes before the S.) 

Important Note: It's and its throw a wrench into this whole rule. Most people equate apostrophes with possession; however, it's is the contraction (it is), and its shows possession.
          IT'S EX: It's really difficult to use the public restroom if it's very quiet.
          ITS EX: My dog chases its tail every day.

Does this information help? Do you need a mini lesson on another grammar concept? 

Please let me know in the comments section!

The difference between me and I.

Here's the thing: when me and I are by themselves (ourselves?), people typically know which one to use. It's when one of these little buggers comes with a friend that people become quite confused. Allow me to break it down, homeskillet.

In previous posts, I've mentioned what are called the subjects and objects of sentences. 

•  In layman's terms, a subject is what (or whom) the sentence discusses. Check it: Mary had a little prairie dog (come on, the lamb is so cliché). About whom is the sentence? Yes, grasshopper, it is MARY. After all, there's just something about that Mary, so Mary is the subject.  
• The object is what receives the action of the sentence. For example, if you said, "Ow, you flicked my wenis!" In this sentence, the action word is "flicked."  What was flicked? In other words, what is the object that receives this action? Who or what feels the flicking? Yes, the wenis. Therefore, wenis is the object. 

 Now that we've discussed the subject versus the object, let's move on to this whole me and I business. 

Me is always the object in a sentence. I is always the subject/doer of an action. (Man, if you read those two sentences out of context, it'd look like I sure did have me some bad grammar.)


Let's take a roll in the proverbial, asexual hay and try out me and I. 


Part 1: Me (remember, it is the object in a sentence.)

• Santa said to little Sally, who always eats her broccoli because her mommy says Santa brings only coal to boys and girls who do not eat their greens, "I cannot believe you sat on me and farted. You are not sugar and spice and everything nice. You are flatulence and lice and you'll pay the price. No presents for you."
• Mr. Gingerbread Man saw the rotund boy come at him with a glass of milk and a hungry sneer. He cried, "No! No! Do not eat me, dough boy!"

Part 2: I (Do not forget, is is the subject of the sentence.)

• I have got a lovely bunch of coconuts. Dee da la dee. There they are a standing in a row. 
• Yes, I ate all of the cookies in the cookie jar. What are you going to do about it? Huh? Get at me!

Now, are you confused when me or I make friends with he, him, she, her, it, they, them, and you? Do not worry. I have an easy test for you. 


TEST: Take the friend out of the equation to see if the sentence makes more sense with I or me.

• Incorrect Example: He and me played Polly Pockets until the cows came home.
• Take out "he." Me played Polly Pockets until the cows came home. 
• Unless you are a caveman, then you would say, "I played Polly Pockets...."
• Therefore, put he back into the equation: He and I played Polly Pockets until the cows came home. (I really should have picked a shorter sentence.)
• Incorrect Example: Mom is taking her and I to play Dungeons and Dragons in Draco's basement. 
• Take out "her." Mom is taking I to play Dungeons and Dragons in Draco's basement. 
• Perhaps you have been indulging in D&D a little too long and your brain is a bit charred. Well, douse your neurons with a some water and take note. 
• The correct sentence would read Mom is taking her and me to play D&D in Draco's basement. (Note: In this situation, many people would substitute "her and me" for "us.") 

Are you worried again? Is your brow furrowed because now you're not sure whether you should say he or him, she or her, they or them, or we or us? 

• Remember our earlier lesson about subjects and objects? Well, here's the break down:
• He, she, they, and we are all subjects.
• He pooped.
• She pooped.
• They pooped. (Hopefully not in the same room)
• We pooped. (We kept our eyes closed.)
• Him, her, them, and us are all objects.
• He poked him.
• He poked her. (I read this post to my husband, and he argued that saying "he" poked her sounds sexual, which automatically makes the sentence much funnier. Thus, we have "He poked her" instead of "She poked her.")
• They poked them.
• They poked us. (Saying we poked us sounds much too much like self pleasure, and it's just weird.)

I hope you now feel much more at ease about this whole me and I business. If you need me to edit this post by clarifying any areas of confusion, please post in the comment section. I will gladly elucidate for you (unless you're an idiot, then no amount of clarification will help you). However, I ASSume that you must not be an idiot if you're concerned enough about your grammar to consult this blog post.  Smart people read about grammar. Or maybe it's nerds who read about it. In any case, you may leave this post smarter than you came to it.
 

If you read this post, thEn you might not look dumber thAn a 5th grader.

Sit down for a moment. We need to have a talk. I've been reading what you write, and I have some bad news for you: you look like a wooly mammoth beating his head with a sock full of rocks because you are confusing the homophones then and than. Rookie mistake.


Then, with an E, indicates time. 

Since all good monkeys need to see before they do, let us look at a few examples.

• The if-then statement: "They" say that if you pick your nose, THEN you will build up immunities. If you eat the booger, THEN you might become superhuman. (Really, I don't recommend this practice. Even if you pick a winner, you're sure to look like a loser.) 

Nom nom nom. (Sorry, no political malice here. He left himself wide open for this one.)

• First, he farted in my general direction, THEN he tossed an air biscuit at me. How rude!

Than, with an a, helps you to provide a comparison. 

• She was wrinklier, but not cuter, THAN a Shar pei.

Dis mah sad face. You dumb. Know than.

• Our new rug was thicker THAN an Armenian's chest hair.

Which one is it? 

1. She tidied up the house, then/than she hid bodies in the basement. 
2. If she could have afforded braces, then/than I wouldn't have called her snaggle tooth. 
3. He was angrier then/than a 10-foot troll trying to scratch its back with a baby fork. 
4. No one bakes apple pies better then/than my mom does.

 And the survey says?

1. Then
2. Then
3. Than
4. Than 

Are YOU smarter than a monkey clanging its cymbals for pennies on the street corner?  

I sure hope so.